OK so let me be the first to admit that Tim McGraw makes me feel rather frisky too.. but are they kidding in Grand Junction?  Remember last month we took over GJ for Country Jam and we had 4 kick butt days of incredible country music.  However health officials in Grand Junction who have nicknamed Country Jam the “Woodstock Of The Rockies” says it’s a lot more than 4 days of country music, it’s a 9 month hangover for expecting mothers.

You see apparently, there’s something in the water or the grooving sounds of country music that drives up pregnancies in this city each year.   Is this the weirdest theory you’ve ever heard?  Here are the stats; on average the health clinic sees between 25 to 30 pregnancies a month. However, five weeks after the festival that number jumps to almost 80 a month. Of course many of these are unwed teens.

OK so the big story everyone is talking about is the teenage girls in Gloucester, Mass where these young girls agreed to get pregnant at the same time and help each other raise the babies.  Shocking as this sounds, there are many more women in the US over the age of 18 who do NOT want babies but get pregnant anyway.  Read this new survey and then tell me if you think unwanted pregnancies are on the rise or the decline or are women being more irresponsible during pregnancy in 2008.

HALF OF AMERICAN WOMEN WHO DON’T WANT TO GET PREGNANT WILL HAVE AN UNPLANNED PREGNANCY:

–A new study (–by the Guttmacher Institute in New York) found that every year, HALF of American women who would rather not get pregnant will have an unplanned pregnancy.  (!!!)

–Birth control isn’t 100% effective to begin with . . . but some women forget to take the pill . . . or they use contraceptives improperly . . . or they don’t even use a form of birth control.

–That means that every year, about 28 MILLION women are at risk of getting pregnant with a kid they don’t even want.

–We also heard about a different survey in Australia that said that 1 in 3 women drink . . . while pregnant.

–93% percent of those women said they knew alcohol consumption could lead to birth defects . . . but most said they would STILL partake in adult beverages anyway

My dear friend of 10 years emailed this and after reading it, I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. As you all know, I’m a mommy now!  And while there is nothing as fulfilling as my little boy, there’s also nothing that prepares you for being a parent but it would have been helpful to have this info before motherhood.

If you have friends or family members that are having their first baby, you really need to pass this along to them.

Enjoy your kids!
_____

Lesson 1
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (wo rk hard and be productive).
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 2
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 3
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 4
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice).
If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 5
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4 . Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine-month-old baby.

Lesson 6
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 7
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt-sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 6 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.